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Based on their long experiences both in and out of romantic relationships, the fundamental lesson is this: And if you’re very different, the elders warn although that marriage can work, is likely to be much more difficult.I can hear some of you saying: But it would be boring if two mates were exactly alike in interests and personality!Although it may sound paradoxical, long-married elders agree that some differences can spice up a relationship. There are many ways partners can be similar, but the elders say that one dimension is absolutely necessary: Similarity in core values.Now I have talked to many people entering into relationships over the years and I have heard all kinds of reasons for falling in love.

In literature and legend, at least, it’s tough to bring two different worlds together.Or Tony and Maria in “West Side Story,” one Polish-American, the other Puerto Rican, and as different as they are they can’t resist one another.We believe that such different types are magnetically drawn together. Certainly not in those two examples, nor in many others.Sharing core values has also been found to promote marital stability and happiness. On the one hand, the elders agree that someone who is generally similar in upbringing, general orientation and especially values is the single most important thing in choosing a mate.So the elders are in the scientific mainstream when they urge you to seek a partner who is similar to you in important ways. On the other hand, we live in a pluralistic society that increasingly values diversity, breaking down old barriers and understanding and appreciation of differences. The message to take away from this lesson allows for both perspectives.

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